Warning : I’m a terrible, terrible person
As I got off the J train a few minutes ago, I was a few things: kind of hungry (I haven’t eaten since like, 1) kind of pissed (my phone died a whie ago and my head REALLY FUCKING HURTS) and kind of tired (I’m a fat person so it doesn’t take much to do that, it’s almost expected) but one thing I wasn’t expecting, was to feel incredibly guilty and shitty in a minute or so.
When I was near the end of the platform, I saw a very short man semi-stumbling about so I internally semi-panicked. I hate having to swerve around people because I always get it wrong. Plus, I assumed the stumbling was a byproduct of his (assumed) intoxication. As I got closer, I found out I was right. He reeked.
But, I also noticed that he had a two bongos and some sort of bongo case with him. And, that he had no arms. This drunken amputee, I then gathered, must be either a train musician, or just got back from a crazy jam session.
Anyway, when the dreaded time came, I did, of course, get it wrong. He went one way, I went the same. I went the other way, he went the same. So for about 3 seconds, what came out of my head was
“Oh. Uh. Huh. Sorry. Lemme just — uup. Oh god, I’m sorry”
But what was going on inside my head was screaming, non stop, primal brain screaming.
And when I finally worked my way around him, I walked through the turnstiles as he SCREAMED AT ME AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. “WATCH WHERE YOU’RE FUCKIN GOIN, ASSHOLE” etc. etc. Now if there’s one thing you should know about me it’s that I hate confrontation. So my poor widdle heart was pulling a NASCAR (racing for no real reason) and he even slammed himself against the turnstiles as I got to the stairs.
But the thoughts that occurred to me as I briskly walked down those stairs made me feel awful immediately after I had them, and I know they’re terrible, but I feel like this entire post loses all, if any worth if I’m not being completely honest.
I thought to mysellf:
” If he does chase me, he can’t really catch me.
And even if he does, I know he’s not Armed.”